Thursday, December 31, 2009

As today goes on and moves into history I'm hard pressed to pick out many monumental moments from 2009.
I feel like 2009 was the year where a lot of stuff happened around me,as opposed to involving me.
I've been a working stiff for more than a year and I can say quite sufficiently that it's probably killing my soul. I feel so much less motivated to be creative or expressive. It's the driest drought I've had for as long as I can remember.
All the while the weight of the world rests just above my shoulders as the people around me pursue the things they want to do. Meanwhile I trod in circles, alongside the productive, as the things I thought I wanted to do fall further away from me. Not just from my reach but, from my mental capacities.
I don't think I have a dream job. It's insane.
I don't know that I made any resolutions last year-- I never keep them anyway.
If i did it probably had something to do with losing 15 pounds (the elusive 15 pounds) and it's pretty safe to say that that didn't happen.
I actually don't mind the idea of resolutions. I think they get a bad rap. Resolutions aren't ultimates they're just goals. The problem with them is that just because you want to stop biting your nails doesn't mean you will (even though I did). I'd like to make some bigger picture resolutions for 2010. Things that reflect upon what I've learned (or not) from 2009.
Maybe things like try to find your fucking ambition again. Or, appreciate your family because shitty things happen, even to the best people. Or, not eveyone is what you think they are (ever).

In essence I'd like to contnue the downsizing I think I've achieved in my life throughout 2009 into 2010- quality over quantity. Except without that sounding so horrible and bitchy.

I'd like to walk out to the West coast and paint Washington red with Papa Bear; make pots with my mental soul mate; get Hubert to love me; kiss the cutest boy in the entire world goodnight everynight and appreciate the fuck out of every second of it.

This whole entry is getting a little out of hand. I'd just like to keep going foward is all. I said I wanted to rely less on the microwave-- and I have. I just want to be a better me all the time, no matter what year it is.

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