It's amazing the difference night and day can make. Or the difference a pair of arms and a handful of text messages can make.
Please excuse me if I'm a little rough around the edges but, I think I'm back and I like the way it feels.
I don't just mean back from these past 4 days or so of chest pounding and head spinning, I mean back at a keyboard and back trying to make something of this goddamn gift of life I've been given. Jessica Perry- the eternal cheese-ball optimist.
I understand that this is not anything that will reach the masses. I'm not really sure it reaches anyone at all. Getting it out of my head in a context where I can see it and read it and possibly even get feedback is something I need though. I'm tired of writing shitty poems and tucking them away in my desk. I'm tired of writing things I like and being too nervous or embarrassed to show them to anyone. Most of all I don't want to have to go through the humiliation of not being taken seriously if I do manage the cojones to try to show it to someone. The beauty of the internet, which I somehow forgot, is I could be showing all this to millions of people or no one at all but it's out there and that's part of the battle.
The thing is I've always been better at putting the jumbled mess of my thoughts down in words than I have ever been in speaking them. I mentioned being embarrassed before but sometimes I think that's only part of it. I'm always more scared about being misunderstood or misinterpreted. If you have it in front of you it just leaves less room for error, in theory.
I've been clenching my teeth and pounding my chest and reminding myself to breath all week and it's just because I'm scared. Sometimes it happens. Ironically enough, it seems to happen around this time every year. Isn't that fucked up? Getting off topic...
The initial point I'm trying to make here is that I write things down. It's just how I roll, so to speak. And I hope you don't think that it has anything to do with the importance of the things I feel or the comfortability I have with you (others) it has more to do with the comfortability I have with myself. I'm more comfortable in black in white because the grays just fuck everything up anyway.
I'm not going to re-read this, and I'm pretty sure I've gotten pretty far away from the initial map I had laid out in my head.
All in all I'm just tired of spinning my wheels and I want to do everything I can to change it at a manageable pace so I don't fuck it all up again.